Staying at home during the holidays with my family always makes me feel alone. I'm tired of knowing everyone just does their own thing and doesn't have any sense of being together. My dad has recently gotten into watching telenovela shows with Vivian so he barely takes his eyes off the screen. Every time I got him to try to like a show with me (like this morning) he never really gets into it and now Vivian gets him into this mental garbage........ Fine stay in your room all night with her. One day I'll have my own family and you'll remember all the time you stayed in your room watching tv and left me crying for some company during days like this.
I wish my friends would help me out not by just talking to me, but by spending some time with me.. but what can I do if they have their own lives and I don't? What can I do if my friends have their own fun things during Halloween and I don't? What can I do if my mom's ashes were thrown to the sea and no where I can visit?
I absolutely love the idea of holidays. There's so much spirit in having free time and staying with the people you love. It's times like this when the reality of having a dysfunctional family comes right in front of your face.
I'm not sure if I wanna bang my hands on the walls or cry till my chest hurts or scream till I can prove to myself no one will care............. for now I'll just stay silent in front of the screen, the tears will roll down my face while I try to preoccupy my mind with my favorite comedy series.
The internet will be gone in a while so even my screen of illusion of social interaction will be retracted.
Lord help me out of this.. I feel so wrong my heart is aching. I know you'll help me find a way through this :'(
Would you just give me at least one person who will spend some time with me when I'm feeling this way :( I'm not even hoping for my father or for my best friend. Just someone who will stay. Someone who is entirely mine. I love you, dear God. I know You are there and You have my heart. I don't completely understand why I feel lonely a lot if I know You already love me. Would You just lift up my soul.. I can't do this anymore no one really understands enough :(
I choose to Be Happy
So boys and relationships have been frequent topics of discussion in most of my social groups, lately. College friends, high school friends, church friends and even facebook friends. I really like thinking about my ideal relationship because I feel so at peace with myself nowadays. Fear is slowly losing it's grip on me because I have come to realize the love of an opposite force in the universe. A force so forgiving, gentle and loving-- the force of the heavens. I used to be afraid to get into a new relationship. Even thinking about it made me afraid because I felt I couldn't find anybody I'd think I was worthy enough to be with. I was scared because I felt relationships were all harmful, and it was 'normal' for relationships to be filled with excruciating heartache.. Once I came to God, he opened my eyes to His promises. He showed me that through Him nothing is impossible. He made me believe in the beauty of a relationship that could be waiting out there for me someday.
But God knows how easily I can hurt. That is why with this hope to find something beautiful, I feel he gave me a cushion to land on just in case I ever felt unsafe. This cushion is the soft landing spot of peace. He also gave me the peace to accept that maybe I won't find someone to love in this lifetime. That's something I never could've accepted before. I couldn't live with the fact that that one thing I knew I was destined to become could be just an illusion or a broken dream I held on to. But now everything has changed. God's love fills me in so deep I feel it's alright if I don't get to find a man of my own. He is my first love and He's all that I need. I'd love for His blessing of a relationship for my future but if He decides otherwise, I want to choose to honor that. So far I've realized God has given me two gifts-- hope and peace.
His third gift, I believe has come as a product of the first two. This is what I feel is the passion for life. Surviving after a break-up is not easy. Believing in something you feel might never come is tiring. Trusting in God's plan despite it being the opposite of everything you've ever wanted can be painful. All of these things are reasons why I should sulk and become a miserable fool who cares nothing about others or the beauty of the life that still exists, yet I choose to be happy.
Today, I want to make a commitment to myself to be a constant encourager to my co-single friends. And knowing that I'll be their support will be my encouragement along the way. :)
Today, I choose to be happy.
That Time of Night During Finals
It's that time of night again during my finals week wherein I get so engrossed in my work that I realize I actually love writing all of these papers.
You see, the first stage of finals week is all about the minor subjects. That is the part I do not really enjoy. Endless sleepless nights for projects, group collaborations, long research papers and presentations for minor subjects that I am already so tired of. Don't get me wrong tho. There are several minor subjects I still really look forward to, like psychology and sociology. But seriously, I'm so tired of Philippine history. I'm so tired of the formality of learning it when I know for a fact I don't really understand anything. My whole grade school and high school Philippine history classes did me no good because they were all in Tagalog. I had no interest in studies, so I gave no effort and now my whole memory of Philippine history is just a really empty space in my mind. Aaaannyway.
I'm doing my majors' final papers now and I'm realizing it's so fun! I love doing reviews, critiques and long essays about early childhood education. I wish I was always this optimistic about my majors. It usually arises during the times when I have to be completely submerged in doing all my work because it's due really soon. It's funny because that happens during finals, and after finals comes the break. I wish I could cultivate this passion. I feel like sometimes college is what ruins my idea of early childhood education and teaching. I learn a lot of things from school but sometimes it's so exhausting (especially with this 22+ unit load) that I lose the very feeling of why I wanted to take this course in the first place. The feeling that I feel now.
I think I'm going to enjoy it for a while and continue reading and doing my papers! :D
You see, the first stage of finals week is all about the minor subjects. That is the part I do not really enjoy. Endless sleepless nights for projects, group collaborations, long research papers and presentations for minor subjects that I am already so tired of. Don't get me wrong tho. There are several minor subjects I still really look forward to, like psychology and sociology. But seriously, I'm so tired of Philippine history. I'm so tired of the formality of learning it when I know for a fact I don't really understand anything. My whole grade school and high school Philippine history classes did me no good because they were all in Tagalog. I had no interest in studies, so I gave no effort and now my whole memory of Philippine history is just a really empty space in my mind. Aaaannyway.
I'm doing my majors' final papers now and I'm realizing it's so fun! I love doing reviews, critiques and long essays about early childhood education. I wish I was always this optimistic about my majors. It usually arises during the times when I have to be completely submerged in doing all my work because it's due really soon. It's funny because that happens during finals, and after finals comes the break. I wish I could cultivate this passion. I feel like sometimes college is what ruins my idea of early childhood education and teaching. I learn a lot of things from school but sometimes it's so exhausting (especially with this 22+ unit load) that I lose the very feeling of why I wanted to take this course in the first place. The feeling that I feel now.
I think I'm going to enjoy it for a while and continue reading and doing my papers! :D
You Really Got a Hold On Me
I said I'd let go of sad songs, but I just can't help it.
This song is my current favorite. Seems I don't have anyone to share it with and I'm so in love with the song so I'll just post it here. :) :')
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTAjLwWNITg
Seems that I'm always..
You treat me badly,
This song is my current favorite. Seems I don't have anyone to share it with and I'm so in love with the song so I'll just post it here. :) :')
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTAjLwWNITg
"I don't like you,
but I love you
Seems that I'm always..
thinkin' of youuuu
You treat me badly,
I love you madly...
You've really got a hold on me..."
It seems every time I like a guy, or think about liking a guy, I end up to one general conclusion:
there is someone better for him than myself.
I have nothing to offer. Why pick me?
It seems so unreal to me that there could be that one person who finds me better than everyone else. I've lived my whole life thinking that everyone else was better than me.
I always get that feeling that if ever somebody did like me, he would be settling for less. And I don't want to be that someone who made someone settle for something less than they deserved. If I really loved that person in the first place, I wouldn't hold him too tightly if I know I am not the best for him.
This is probably the reason why I tend to friendzone most of the guys I know. -___-
Dunno if this is confusion or clarity.
there is someone better for him than myself.
I have nothing to offer. Why pick me?
It seems so unreal to me that there could be that one person who finds me better than everyone else. I've lived my whole life thinking that everyone else was better than me.
I always get that feeling that if ever somebody did like me, he would be settling for less. And I don't want to be that someone who made someone settle for something less than they deserved. If I really loved that person in the first place, I wouldn't hold him too tightly if I know I am not the best for him.
This is probably the reason why I tend to friendzone most of the guys I know. -___-
Dunno if this is confusion or clarity.
:'(
Ughhhh I can't believe I ate that fish last night at the party....
It was fillet, so I decided to give it a try.
Whyyyyyy... whyyyy did I ever think fish would be good....
I remember tasting it, it tasted really weird and extreemely ffishy. It still had a tiny tail cause it was fish tempura style... gross.
This morning, when I woke up, Vivian told me she was feeling similarly. Her tummy has been aching all morning and she's been visiting the bathroom a lot.
That moment I knew... IT WAS THE FISH.
She told me it seemed fishy and 'malangsa' to her too, last night, that's why she didn't finish it up like she always would if they served fish. (she loves seafood because she grew up always eating it)
Aaaahhh I dunno what to do :'( Just thinking about that fish makes my tummy turn around. \
I just wanna puke it out but I can't :'( I feel like the fish is still swimming around my stomach and it really disturbs me.... I can't believe I'm crying over something so petty...
But I have almost gotten over my fear of fish and this has to happen... I feel like it's in my throat, on my hands, swimming in my tummy and I just wanna cry until it goes away...............................
I can imagine the scales...
andd the eyes....
and the mouth...
and how it would feel if it were swarming all around me...
And that taste.. I can't begin to explain that horrible, horrible taste of sssalty, fishy, unclean water... I can't even drink much water because I feel like I'm drinking water the fish swam in... Almost tastes like fish already. This is insanity. Some one help me. I dunno what to do :'(
I caan't sttop thinking about it and the more I think about it, the more my muscles feel like jelly. It's extremely hard to stay standing because it's just uncomfortable everywhere.... I wish I had never touched that fish. Why did I even think about it... :'( And if that's not enough, some people outside are playing music extremely loudly.. And the SAME SONG over and over and over AND OVER again ever since about 11:30 in the morning :'( Ugghhh please just stop already.... the song is so annoying......
Somebody help. I need someone to distract me from all of this.. :'(
Gained More than Lost
So today Vivian told me that she wanted to go shopping for some exchange gifts she needed to purchase for upcoming Christmas parties. Since I didn't have class, I thought what the heck, so I went with her. I forgot about the horrible rush during Christmas season. Vivian took me to Divisoria, because she says things are SUPER cheap there. I have to admit, I was quite excited since I had some people on my list that I haven't bought presents for.
We went into 999 mall first. (Funny how all the malls in that area are named by numbers.. still don't know why)
My sister requested for Vivian to buy her some items, so while she was choosing, I decided to look around and stray away. After about fifteen minutes, Vivian and I met again, and we continued to shop together. I found a really cute blouse I wanted to buy in one store. It was not only really cute, but also on sale! So I decided to buy it. Just when I was opening my shoulder bag, I realized I could feel my wallet. I was fumbling around the very little stuff I had inside my bag just to make sure what I thought was happening wasn't happening. And well whaddya know. I couldn't find my wallet anywhere inside my bag. I gasped and the salesladies heard my alarmed conversation with Vivian so they told me that I got snatched. I really couldn't believe it.
Everything felt so unreal because it was so unlike me to lose such an important thing! Most of the things I need to survive on a daily basis is inside that little brown thing! My driver's license, college I.D. (can't get inside campus without it! or else minor offense!), MY ATM CARD!!!!, health insurance card, SM advantage card, National Bookstore card, Pinkberry card, Happy Lemon Card, and all my org membership cards! Plus I had quite an amount of cash inside for the presents I was supposed to get for people, so it really hurt. :(
I had to go through so many procedures with the police, which I knew was just a waste of my time. They took soo long to process my police report. One guy was even smoking inside the air-conditioned office. :(
I was so scared because I had no idea how to tell my dad. Again, I was a disappointment to him. It seems I am getting more careless by the hour. All I ever wanted to do was to please my father, earn his trust and make him real proud of me. I do everything I can to show him I love him, I'm responsible and he can trust me (never leaving out the fact I'm his baby girl forever)
But it seems I am doing so many things that is resulting to making him feel the opposite.
It was so hard to make that phone call to him. I had no idea what to say. I felt like my voice was just going to break when he answers the phone and I'd feel even more irresponsible for my actions.
But I had to do it. So I called him, and I just went straight to the point and ripped the scab. I told him I lost my wallet and I heard nothing. My heart was beating so nervously and I just wanted to cry and apologize to him because of being so stupid. To my surprise, he replied ever so calmly. He said it was okay and not to worry.
WHAT???????!!!!!
I just wanted to fly back home and give him the biggest hug my arms could make. I wanted to hug his round tummy and cry on his shoulder like I did when I was a child and he would be carrying me.
Too bad I was still in Manila, and in a messy Police office.
Basically, I came home feeling a lot lighter than I would've if he would have given me his disappointed tone. I was so greatful for my father, he takes the best care of me. God gave me one of my most precious blessing by giving me with such an amazing Dad. We were really meant to be a family. It's instances like this that I forget all the times my dad has hurt me and failed to appreciate what I do for him. (He's a very oblivious person sometimes) It's times like this wherein my dad's love just covers everything in the past.
When I got home, I was still quite disappointed in myself and why I couldn't have paid more attention to my bag. I thought about all the cash I had that could've been spent on presents for my friends and family. It was quite a heavy feeling because I have also been trying to earn some money through hard labor (crochet is not easy, my friends). To think that everything I earned (and even a few hundreds more), I just lost through being careless. Suddenly, I heard my dad's car pulling in the driveway. I got quite nervous again. I just hated letting him down (especially after my first car accident). I hid in my room because I was too ashamed to confront him. He came into my room and kissed me on the forehead. He told me that he would replace all the money that I had lost. He told me that he'd help me get my license back and that it was nothing to worry about.
My eyes teared up and I finally gave him a big hug and a whispered thank you.
He told me that our God in heaven will supply everything, and to just pretend that he was the one who lost the wallet, and not I! He actually made me laugh for the first time after I lost my wallet.
I have never met anyone who's a better dad than my father. I can't begin to explain how much I love my dad and how much I know he loves me. It's like nothing I say can make you comprehend how much of a bond my dad and I share. Because love is not really comprehensible, especially not a love like this. Love is abstract, it is meant to be felt, and not understood.
I just imagined how much this love was that my dad has for me, that he is able to stay so patient and joyful with my unpleasant behavior and frequent mishaps. I thought that if my dad is this way because of God's presence in his life, what more could the extent of God's patience and love be? He who loves me so much more than anyone on earth can possibly love me, gave me a father to show me the love he wants me to know he has for me.
I am on fire for God. I want to be in the Lord's presence. I want to worship him for his loving kindness. I want to praise him for the joy and peace he's given me tonight. Without him, I would probably go to sleep tonight with regret and self-hate. With him, it is easier to breathe.
Despite all the things I've mentioned to have lost today, I commit to you, I have gained a thousand times more..
I have the greatest dads in the entire universe.
We went into 999 mall first. (Funny how all the malls in that area are named by numbers.. still don't know why)
My sister requested for Vivian to buy her some items, so while she was choosing, I decided to look around and stray away. After about fifteen minutes, Vivian and I met again, and we continued to shop together. I found a really cute blouse I wanted to buy in one store. It was not only really cute, but also on sale! So I decided to buy it. Just when I was opening my shoulder bag, I realized I could feel my wallet. I was fumbling around the very little stuff I had inside my bag just to make sure what I thought was happening wasn't happening. And well whaddya know. I couldn't find my wallet anywhere inside my bag. I gasped and the salesladies heard my alarmed conversation with Vivian so they told me that I got snatched. I really couldn't believe it.
Everything felt so unreal because it was so unlike me to lose such an important thing! Most of the things I need to survive on a daily basis is inside that little brown thing! My driver's license, college I.D. (can't get inside campus without it! or else minor offense!), MY ATM CARD!!!!, health insurance card, SM advantage card, National Bookstore card, Pinkberry card, Happy Lemon Card, and all my org membership cards! Plus I had quite an amount of cash inside for the presents I was supposed to get for people, so it really hurt. :(
I had to go through so many procedures with the police, which I knew was just a waste of my time. They took soo long to process my police report. One guy was even smoking inside the air-conditioned office. :(
I was so scared because I had no idea how to tell my dad. Again, I was a disappointment to him. It seems I am getting more careless by the hour. All I ever wanted to do was to please my father, earn his trust and make him real proud of me. I do everything I can to show him I love him, I'm responsible and he can trust me (never leaving out the fact I'm his baby girl forever)
But it seems I am doing so many things that is resulting to making him feel the opposite.
It was so hard to make that phone call to him. I had no idea what to say. I felt like my voice was just going to break when he answers the phone and I'd feel even more irresponsible for my actions.
But I had to do it. So I called him, and I just went straight to the point and ripped the scab. I told him I lost my wallet and I heard nothing. My heart was beating so nervously and I just wanted to cry and apologize to him because of being so stupid. To my surprise, he replied ever so calmly. He said it was okay and not to worry.
WHAT???????!!!!!
I just wanted to fly back home and give him the biggest hug my arms could make. I wanted to hug his round tummy and cry on his shoulder like I did when I was a child and he would be carrying me.
Too bad I was still in Manila, and in a messy Police office.
Basically, I came home feeling a lot lighter than I would've if he would have given me his disappointed tone. I was so greatful for my father, he takes the best care of me. God gave me one of my most precious blessing by giving me with such an amazing Dad. We were really meant to be a family. It's instances like this that I forget all the times my dad has hurt me and failed to appreciate what I do for him. (He's a very oblivious person sometimes) It's times like this wherein my dad's love just covers everything in the past.
When I got home, I was still quite disappointed in myself and why I couldn't have paid more attention to my bag. I thought about all the cash I had that could've been spent on presents for my friends and family. It was quite a heavy feeling because I have also been trying to earn some money through hard labor (crochet is not easy, my friends). To think that everything I earned (and even a few hundreds more), I just lost through being careless. Suddenly, I heard my dad's car pulling in the driveway. I got quite nervous again. I just hated letting him down (especially after my first car accident). I hid in my room because I was too ashamed to confront him. He came into my room and kissed me on the forehead. He told me that he would replace all the money that I had lost. He told me that he'd help me get my license back and that it was nothing to worry about.
My eyes teared up and I finally gave him a big hug and a whispered thank you.
He told me that our God in heaven will supply everything, and to just pretend that he was the one who lost the wallet, and not I! He actually made me laugh for the first time after I lost my wallet.
I have never met anyone who's a better dad than my father. I can't begin to explain how much I love my dad and how much I know he loves me. It's like nothing I say can make you comprehend how much of a bond my dad and I share. Because love is not really comprehensible, especially not a love like this. Love is abstract, it is meant to be felt, and not understood.
I just imagined how much this love was that my dad has for me, that he is able to stay so patient and joyful with my unpleasant behavior and frequent mishaps. I thought that if my dad is this way because of God's presence in his life, what more could the extent of God's patience and love be? He who loves me so much more than anyone on earth can possibly love me, gave me a father to show me the love he wants me to know he has for me.
I am on fire for God. I want to be in the Lord's presence. I want to worship him for his loving kindness. I want to praise him for the joy and peace he's given me tonight. Without him, I would probably go to sleep tonight with regret and self-hate. With him, it is easier to breathe.
Despite all the things I've mentioned to have lost today, I commit to you, I have gained a thousand times more..
Psalms 59:16
"But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress."
I have the greatest dads in the entire universe.
A Man Who Will Love My Soul
I haven't really met many people who seem to realize the depth of
love. I want to meet someone who will love not my body, not my mind, not
my heart, but my soul.
My body is imperfect, I'm probably the least attractive person in my set of friends. Apart from this, it is ever changing and will soon wither. It will wrinkle as time goes by, for we live by borrowed time. No one can tell when it will be taken away, because it isn't even ours to begin with.
My mind can change. I'm a very indecisive person. (Have you tried ordering something from a menu with me? Or going shopping with me? If not, good.) I believe all of our perspectives are shaped as we grow up. Our opinions can change anytime, and if a man loves me for my mind, then i don't think I could be too sure of him just yet.
My heart, on the other hand, is my blind spot. If a man loves me for my heart how can I turn away? I guess this is the hardest one to beat. It's hard to tell apart from the heart and the soul. But I guess the heart is what gives, what seeks, what loves, and what takes. The heart is our personality, how patient we are, how much love we can share to others, how we forgive those who wrong us, and our desires. Don't you think all of this can change too? If someone loved you for your forgiving nature, don't you feel pressured because of the thoughts that the person may not love you anymore if you change?
However, the soul envelopes all the others. It is the encompasses all aspects of a person's being, including change. Change is something that we cannot set apart from what we are. And through this paradox of constant change, we find love that surpasses all.
My body is imperfect, I'm probably the least attractive person in my set of friends. Apart from this, it is ever changing and will soon wither. It will wrinkle as time goes by, for we live by borrowed time. No one can tell when it will be taken away, because it isn't even ours to begin with.
My mind can change. I'm a very indecisive person. (Have you tried ordering something from a menu with me? Or going shopping with me? If not, good.) I believe all of our perspectives are shaped as we grow up. Our opinions can change anytime, and if a man loves me for my mind, then i don't think I could be too sure of him just yet.
My heart, on the other hand, is my blind spot. If a man loves me for my heart how can I turn away? I guess this is the hardest one to beat. It's hard to tell apart from the heart and the soul. But I guess the heart is what gives, what seeks, what loves, and what takes. The heart is our personality, how patient we are, how much love we can share to others, how we forgive those who wrong us, and our desires. Don't you think all of this can change too? If someone loved you for your forgiving nature, don't you feel pressured because of the thoughts that the person may not love you anymore if you change?
However, the soul envelopes all the others. It is the encompasses all aspects of a person's being, including change. Change is something that we cannot set apart from what we are. And through this paradox of constant change, we find love that surpasses all.
Silent Sobs
Why was I so stupid?
Why was I so blind?
Why didn't I see any of this when we were together?
Why do I hate everything you do?
Why does everything you do hurt me so bad?
Why can't I just run away from you?
Why do I keep looking back?
Why do I keep telling myself I can talk to you and be okay?
You have become mmy monster..
You haunt my soul and I can't cut you off.
How I wish you would lay me down gently.
How I wish we shared smiles and beautiful memories rather than painful words and tears.
How I wish we had the strength to help build each other up..
How I wish we had the courage to bbecome better people even if we are apart..
How I wish you would consider my happiness the way you did when we were in love.
Now, everything you do screams at me on my face, stabs me in the gut and tells me what we had wasn't real.
All that time and effort.. and tears.. and love.... you make it all feel worthless. No, actually, you make it feel less than worthless, because for something to be worthless it must have existed first. You make it feel nonexistent.
You can say you're trying to move on, but subconsciously you're just making me feel all the pain you think I made you feel when we ended it. You'll deny it, you'll say that it wasn't your intention to hurt me. You'll say that you're doing all of this to move on because it hurts you too bad to be just friends with me again.
As if it doesn't hurt me.
As if because I broke it off, I don't have the right to feel like you do because you were the one who I let go. I have just as much right to feel the pain as you do. I have just as much right to feel that you still care like how I try to make you feel like I still care.. don't you think it hurts me to care for you, who just wants to forget about me because of your incapability to move on if you tried to care?
I don't understand why you've become so different. I know I have no hold on you anymore.. but everything you say and do is against what we used to believe in together.. I don't understand.. Why are you becoming like this? Why are you becoming so shallow? Why are you so self-absorbed now? We used to think of things regular people didn't.. We used to think of how inconsiderate other people can be to their fellowmen.. We used to think of how cruel the world was to some.. We used to think of how to care for other people.. Why did you change..
Now the Lord has given me a deeper desire for the good things, to be kind, and gentle, considerate and loving. But it seems you have gone the opposite way. Why..
Why do I feel like it's all my fault.
I broke you into a monster.
I hate the way you are. You are insensitive, shallow, inconsiderate, arrogant, so full of yourself, unkind, full of bad words, filled with negative sentiments and somehow I manage to blame myself for making you this way.
Why did you give in to me? Why did you let me break you into something you are not? I didn't mean to.. I am broken too..
This is not love.
Whatever you're doing to me validates that it never was. I could beg you to stop but I know that wouldn't work at all..
I showed you my God. I poured my heart out to you when I tried to tell you about Him, and you shunned me away.
I wanted to shun you away the way you did He, but I needed to be there for you because I knew what we had before and I can't let go of someone I cared deeply for.. I don't know why you don't seem to feel the same way. Why do you have no loyalty or sense of responsibility to a person you have already connected with, with your heart. You just throw them away like filthy rags that are already useless and have only one last destination, the garbage.
That just makes me feel like a piece of trash that caused so much more destruction that joy. Is that all I am? Was that all I was to you? A source of destruction? You know I had no intention of hurting you, it's just something I had to do. So please stop hurting me......
I feel so emotionally battered up already.. I'm so tired will you please just stop.
Why was I so blind?
Why didn't I see any of this when we were together?
Why do I hate everything you do?
Why does everything you do hurt me so bad?
Why can't I just run away from you?
Why do I keep looking back?
Why do I keep telling myself I can talk to you and be okay?
You have become mmy monster..
You haunt my soul and I can't cut you off.
How I wish you would lay me down gently.
How I wish we shared smiles and beautiful memories rather than painful words and tears.
How I wish we had the strength to help build each other up..
How I wish we had the courage to bbecome better people even if we are apart..
How I wish you would consider my happiness the way you did when we were in love.
Now, everything you do screams at me on my face, stabs me in the gut and tells me what we had wasn't real.
All that time and effort.. and tears.. and love.... you make it all feel worthless. No, actually, you make it feel less than worthless, because for something to be worthless it must have existed first. You make it feel nonexistent.
You can say you're trying to move on, but subconsciously you're just making me feel all the pain you think I made you feel when we ended it. You'll deny it, you'll say that it wasn't your intention to hurt me. You'll say that you're doing all of this to move on because it hurts you too bad to be just friends with me again.
As if it doesn't hurt me.
As if because I broke it off, I don't have the right to feel like you do because you were the one who I let go. I have just as much right to feel the pain as you do. I have just as much right to feel that you still care like how I try to make you feel like I still care.. don't you think it hurts me to care for you, who just wants to forget about me because of your incapability to move on if you tried to care?
I don't understand why you've become so different. I know I have no hold on you anymore.. but everything you say and do is against what we used to believe in together.. I don't understand.. Why are you becoming like this? Why are you becoming so shallow? Why are you so self-absorbed now? We used to think of things regular people didn't.. We used to think of how inconsiderate other people can be to their fellowmen.. We used to think of how cruel the world was to some.. We used to think of how to care for other people.. Why did you change..
Now the Lord has given me a deeper desire for the good things, to be kind, and gentle, considerate and loving. But it seems you have gone the opposite way. Why..
Why do I feel like it's all my fault.
I broke you into a monster.
I hate the way you are. You are insensitive, shallow, inconsiderate, arrogant, so full of yourself, unkind, full of bad words, filled with negative sentiments and somehow I manage to blame myself for making you this way.
Why did you give in to me? Why did you let me break you into something you are not? I didn't mean to.. I am broken too..
This is not love.
Whatever you're doing to me validates that it never was. I could beg you to stop but I know that wouldn't work at all..
I showed you my God. I poured my heart out to you when I tried to tell you about Him, and you shunned me away.
I wanted to shun you away the way you did He, but I needed to be there for you because I knew what we had before and I can't let go of someone I cared deeply for.. I don't know why you don't seem to feel the same way. Why do you have no loyalty or sense of responsibility to a person you have already connected with, with your heart. You just throw them away like filthy rags that are already useless and have only one last destination, the garbage.
That just makes me feel like a piece of trash that caused so much more destruction that joy. Is that all I am? Was that all I was to you? A source of destruction? You know I had no intention of hurting you, it's just something I had to do. So please stop hurting me......
I feel so emotionally battered up already.. I'm so tired will you please just stop.
Beauty and Friendship
So yesterday we celebrated one of my best friend's birthdays. Me and my other best friends have been planning her surprise for quite some time, now so we were so excited for the day to arrive. I couldn't wait to see them all again and celebrate!
..or was I? You see, I got these 2 huge blemishes on my face a few days before the party. I really hate this. I hate how my skin always decides to act up every time something important is coming up. It's always during a party, a prom or a report. -____- Scumbag skin.
So I was really down when I woke up yesterday and it still hadn't faded a little. I tried putting topical ointment on it religiously for the past few nights but it didn't seem to be working... ;___; I really felt like calling in sick or something lol. If only Ban didn't mean so much to me.
I really had no courage to show my face to the world with such a hideous thing in the middle of my cheek. >__< I'm uncomfortable even talking about it, that's why I'm letting it out here. I was having my quite time after grieving over my failed attempts to cure the blemish to take my mind off of things and I stumbled upon this verse.
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
It just says so much. Everything I once valued; how I looked in front of other people, is all vain. I know there's nothing wrong in making myself look appealing, but if it holds me back from something, then there's definitely an issue with what I consider important.
God created me beautiful, and I want to believe in that with all of my heart, despite all my insecurities.
I tried to open my eyes to the positive side of reality. 'Charm is deceiving'. I bet I can't find one person who doesn't agree with that. I've fallen for some people because of their charms. It is indeed something we should all look out for. I just realized now how I always said that the guy I would end up with needn't be handsome, but charming. I just realized how charm can captivate me so easily.
At least I know that if someone falls in love with me, it wouldn't be for what I look like, or how perfect my appearance is, because I'm far from those things. At least I know if somebody loves me, he will love the real me. Not my characteristics of being sweet or whatever, just me... my very being.
I thank God he gave me the courage to go to my friend's party. I just dabbed concealer and it got a lot better than I expected. :) Besides, how could I miss this? My friends and I really wanted her to be happy on her birthday cause we knew she was going through a rough time in her life. We brought yellow balloons, her birth flowers, party hats and lots of gifts! I even asked the waitress to sing her a surprise song with the crew (cause I knew she only pretends she hates that but deep down she likes the attention haha!)
We had so much fun together, I cannot put it into words. They're the best bunch I've ever had. They are the only ones who can make me laugh for hours until I'm already dizzy and we all look and act drunk. (Drunk without the alcohol aww yeaaa hahaha one of our great talents!)
Each time we part, we take away a piece of each other. And that's how we get through even if we don't have much friends in college. There's just that special spot each of us have in each others hearts. It's really hard to explain something as deep as that without it coming out to be cliche. It's as if I have the friends I've always wanted. There are a TON of things I can tell you I hate about each of them or things I wish I could change, but I don't even understand why it doesn't matter when I'm with them. All of that just fades away. I just love them so much. :) I love making them happy and showing them the overflow of my heart. Thank you Lord for giving me such an awesome set of friends. :)
..or was I? You see, I got these 2 huge blemishes on my face a few days before the party. I really hate this. I hate how my skin always decides to act up every time something important is coming up. It's always during a party, a prom or a report. -____- Scumbag skin.
So I was really down when I woke up yesterday and it still hadn't faded a little. I tried putting topical ointment on it religiously for the past few nights but it didn't seem to be working... ;___; I really felt like calling in sick or something lol. If only Ban didn't mean so much to me.
I really had no courage to show my face to the world with such a hideous thing in the middle of my cheek. >__< I'm uncomfortable even talking about it, that's why I'm letting it out here. I was having my quite time after grieving over my failed attempts to cure the blemish to take my mind off of things and I stumbled upon this verse.
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
It just says so much. Everything I once valued; how I looked in front of other people, is all vain. I know there's nothing wrong in making myself look appealing, but if it holds me back from something, then there's definitely an issue with what I consider important.
God created me beautiful, and I want to believe in that with all of my heart, despite all my insecurities.
I tried to open my eyes to the positive side of reality. 'Charm is deceiving'. I bet I can't find one person who doesn't agree with that. I've fallen for some people because of their charms. It is indeed something we should all look out for. I just realized now how I always said that the guy I would end up with needn't be handsome, but charming. I just realized how charm can captivate me so easily.
At least I know that if someone falls in love with me, it wouldn't be for what I look like, or how perfect my appearance is, because I'm far from those things. At least I know if somebody loves me, he will love the real me. Not my characteristics of being sweet or whatever, just me... my very being.
I thank God he gave me the courage to go to my friend's party. I just dabbed concealer and it got a lot better than I expected. :) Besides, how could I miss this? My friends and I really wanted her to be happy on her birthday cause we knew she was going through a rough time in her life. We brought yellow balloons, her birth flowers, party hats and lots of gifts! I even asked the waitress to sing her a surprise song with the crew (cause I knew she only pretends she hates that but deep down she likes the attention haha!)
We had so much fun together, I cannot put it into words. They're the best bunch I've ever had. They are the only ones who can make me laugh for hours until I'm already dizzy and we all look and act drunk. (Drunk without the alcohol aww yeaaa hahaha one of our great talents!)
Each time we part, we take away a piece of each other. And that's how we get through even if we don't have much friends in college. There's just that special spot each of us have in each others hearts. It's really hard to explain something as deep as that without it coming out to be cliche. It's as if I have the friends I've always wanted. There are a TON of things I can tell you I hate about each of them or things I wish I could change, but I don't even understand why it doesn't matter when I'm with them. All of that just fades away. I just love them so much. :) I love making them happy and showing them the overflow of my heart. Thank you Lord for giving me such an awesome set of friends. :)
Crocheting
I've been practicing my crocheting a lot recently. It's really refreshing to cultivate a talent rather than being on the internet or watching television all day. I'm so glad I've found a friend I can crochet with! I'm not very good yet, and it makes me feel like giving up a lot, but my friend motivates me to keep on going. :)
A while ago,I was trying to crochet a headband while I was watching My Best Friend's Wedding with my dad (Must watch movie, btw!). He was looking at me for quite some time so I asked him why he was doing so. He told me that my mom used to do the same.....
That just made me miss her. I wish she could teach me all of these things I'd love to learn... Cooking, baking, knitting, crocheting, cross-stiching, gardening and taking care of our home just like she did. ♥
God probably missed her too much to let her stay too long with us..
Mama, I know we'll meet again someday.. : )
A while ago,I was trying to crochet a headband while I was watching My Best Friend's Wedding with my dad (Must watch movie, btw!). He was looking at me for quite some time so I asked him why he was doing so. He told me that my mom used to do the same.....
That just made me miss her. I wish she could teach me all of these things I'd love to learn... Cooking, baking, knitting, crocheting, cross-stiching, gardening and taking care of our home just like she did. ♥
God probably missed her too much to let her stay too long with us..
Mama, I know we'll meet again someday.. : )
My First Accident... Blessing?
I never imagined this day would come.. I knew it would come some day. People say it's inevitable, something that really just happens when you're a driver. But I don't know... I didn't expect it to be today. Of all days, today.
Today was one of the most unproductive and tiring days for me, recently. It was literally like the universe was conspiring against me....
Despite feeling unwell, I went to school early today. But before I left the house, a little unexpected visitor (girls will understand this) decided to drop by. It was already quite late and I remembered that I forgot to do an assignment for one of my classes! This made me extra extra late already. And it was crochet Thursday so I really didn't want to be late but all odds seemed to be going against me. :(
When I got to school, one of my classmates informed me our teacher for the next period was absent. And my class after that is still at 11! I could've gotten the rest I felt my flu needed badly or I could've done some other work like drop the permission letter to the school I need to observe, but I was already in school so I had no choice.
Because of this, my observation was postponed till after my classes, which was by around 2:40. I went with a friend and we literally had no idea where we were going or where the school was located. (Good thing I called Chel and she gave me an idea where it was). It was already such a hassle to look for the school and walk in the stormy weather, but nooo. Something had to go wrong again to make everything worse. After driving 'till the ends of the earth (a.k.a. deeeeeeeep into J.P. Rizal) we finally found the school. And guess what. They were closed. All the teachers and principals were not around. It was extremely frustrating cause I thought I would finally get my work done.
As if that weren't enough. My friend and I drove ALL THE WAY BACK TO TAFT (or shall I say the valley of death) DURING RUSH HOUR. I needed to attend a seminar as it was a requirement for one of my subjects. We were already late and the traffic was still horrible so you could imagine how stressed out we were by now. I asked my friend to give our other friend in DLSU a call to ask whether the seminar had started yet.. and guess what she says. IT GOT CANCELLED.
BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE.
So I drive back home, EXTREMELY stressed out by all the failure I've experienced throughout the day. I hated Taft during night time. Everyone wants to get home and everyone gets ten times more agressive on the road because of that. All of us have had stressful days and just want to escape yet another stress in life, which is the famous traffic of Taft. My back was aching, I couldn't feel my legs, my head was throbbing because of my flu and I just wanted to go home.....
Before I know it, I hear a loud thud come from behind me. I was so surprised it didn't register that it was my car that made that sound. I was so scared, that I froze and I didn't move the car for a while. When I snapped out of it, I pressed the hazard button and waited in the side. The guy in the car that I hit (or hit me) rolled down his window and told me that I had hit him while he was turning. He said "pinilit mo kahit 'di naman pwede". I was so scared because I really didn't know if it was my fault or not. He was so intimidating and he seemed pretty pissed-off. The traffic enforcer just told me to turn in a certain spot so I listened to his instructions and turned.
Anyway, he got off his car to take a look at the damage that was made. He went over to me and we looked at my car together as well. My knees were shaking and my eyes were welling up. I really didn't know what to do or say. I had never been put in this situation before... and I really wasn't sure if it was my fault or his. Even if the front of his car was the one that hit the back of mine, it's hard to tell because it's all about our speed and the angle of the turn. I was crying already and I could tell he also didn't seem to know what to do. I felt like he was waiting ffor me to defend myself but I didn't know why I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to defend myself if I was the one who was wrong. He noticed me crying so he told m e "Sit down inside your car, you might get sick from the rain."
I didn't know why he was being so nice to me.. I was still so confused and shocked and really really scared about what would happen so I remained still. He got out his phone and asked for my cellphone number. I almost forgot what it was because I was just too panicked to remember. I just kept thinking about how I would tell my dad or have the courage to face him when I get home.... He said we'll resolve the issue on the phone. (probably because it was raining so hard and we were on hazard in the middle of a very busy road). He asked me if I was a student, and he told me he was a doctor and that his name was Willie. I felt like he was letting me off the hook, but I didn't want to make any assumptions. I thanked him before he left, and he told me not to worry too much about it.
I was crying all the way going home.. I didn't know how to face my dad about this.. This was my first accident and it was such a stupid mistake.. I was praying to God about it and asking him to help me.. I was just so helpless and alone.
Despite all of that, the song 'Hurricane' by Switchfoot had been stuck in my head throughout the day. Especially the lines
"Hello, hurricane, you're not enough. Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love."
I couldn't help but think..
Was this my hurricane? Is my love being silenced?
I won't let this day stop me from loving my God.
When I got home, I checked my phone, and there was a missed call from the guy I bumped into. I didn't know if I should have called him back because I was really unsure of what I was doing or what I was going to say. All I was sure of was that I had to have courage to take responsibility of what I did.
To my surprise, he didn't say anything about the car at all. He asked me how I was and random questions like where I was studying or what my nationality was. It was indeed a blessing. I was just so speechless I didn't have the chance to develop the conversation.
After the call, I texted him:
"Thank you, Mr. Willie. God has blessed me in so many ways this week, including through you. I really appreciate the way you were not aggravated by the situation despite all the hassle on both our parts. I was so scared because I didn't really know what to do. This is my first accident so it's really new for me to be put in this situation. Nevertheless, I want to thank you for reminding me to be extra careful from now on. Thanks for being a blessing to end my week. God bless you and your work. We'll settle this soon."
His reply to my message was:
"It's ok, nothing much to worry about, I understand you and I see in your reaction that your innocent in such a situation, have a great weekend. God bless you and always stay happy. Thanks."
I was really surprised because of his relaxed attitude towards this matter. Was he letting me off the hook?
I really don't know what God is trying to tell me. If this was my test of faith, did I pass?
Today was one of the most unproductive and tiring days for me, recently. It was literally like the universe was conspiring against me....
Despite feeling unwell, I went to school early today. But before I left the house, a little unexpected visitor (girls will understand this) decided to drop by. It was already quite late and I remembered that I forgot to do an assignment for one of my classes! This made me extra extra late already. And it was crochet Thursday so I really didn't want to be late but all odds seemed to be going against me. :(
When I got to school, one of my classmates informed me our teacher for the next period was absent. And my class after that is still at 11! I could've gotten the rest I felt my flu needed badly or I could've done some other work like drop the permission letter to the school I need to observe, but I was already in school so I had no choice.
Because of this, my observation was postponed till after my classes, which was by around 2:40. I went with a friend and we literally had no idea where we were going or where the school was located. (Good thing I called Chel and she gave me an idea where it was). It was already such a hassle to look for the school and walk in the stormy weather, but nooo. Something had to go wrong again to make everything worse. After driving 'till the ends of the earth (a.k.a. deeeeeeeep into J.P. Rizal) we finally found the school. And guess what. They were closed. All the teachers and principals were not around. It was extremely frustrating cause I thought I would finally get my work done.
As if that weren't enough. My friend and I drove ALL THE WAY BACK TO TAFT (or shall I say the valley of death) DURING RUSH HOUR. I needed to attend a seminar as it was a requirement for one of my subjects. We were already late and the traffic was still horrible so you could imagine how stressed out we were by now. I asked my friend to give our other friend in DLSU a call to ask whether the seminar had started yet.. and guess what she says. IT GOT CANCELLED.
BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE.
So I drive back home, EXTREMELY stressed out by all the failure I've experienced throughout the day. I hated Taft during night time. Everyone wants to get home and everyone gets ten times more agressive on the road because of that. All of us have had stressful days and just want to escape yet another stress in life, which is the famous traffic of Taft. My back was aching, I couldn't feel my legs, my head was throbbing because of my flu and I just wanted to go home.....
Before I know it, I hear a loud thud come from behind me. I was so surprised it didn't register that it was my car that made that sound. I was so scared, that I froze and I didn't move the car for a while. When I snapped out of it, I pressed the hazard button and waited in the side. The guy in the car that I hit (or hit me) rolled down his window and told me that I had hit him while he was turning. He said "pinilit mo kahit 'di naman pwede". I was so scared because I really didn't know if it was my fault or not. He was so intimidating and he seemed pretty pissed-off. The traffic enforcer just told me to turn in a certain spot so I listened to his instructions and turned.
Anyway, he got off his car to take a look at the damage that was made. He went over to me and we looked at my car together as well. My knees were shaking and my eyes were welling up. I really didn't know what to do or say. I had never been put in this situation before... and I really wasn't sure if it was my fault or his. Even if the front of his car was the one that hit the back of mine, it's hard to tell because it's all about our speed and the angle of the turn. I was crying already and I could tell he also didn't seem to know what to do. I felt like he was waiting ffor me to defend myself but I didn't know why I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to defend myself if I was the one who was wrong. He noticed me crying so he told m e "Sit down inside your car, you might get sick from the rain."
I didn't know why he was being so nice to me.. I was still so confused and shocked and really really scared about what would happen so I remained still. He got out his phone and asked for my cellphone number. I almost forgot what it was because I was just too panicked to remember. I just kept thinking about how I would tell my dad or have the courage to face him when I get home.... He said we'll resolve the issue on the phone. (probably because it was raining so hard and we were on hazard in the middle of a very busy road). He asked me if I was a student, and he told me he was a doctor and that his name was Willie. I felt like he was letting me off the hook, but I didn't want to make any assumptions. I thanked him before he left, and he told me not to worry too much about it.
I was crying all the way going home.. I didn't know how to face my dad about this.. This was my first accident and it was such a stupid mistake.. I was praying to God about it and asking him to help me.. I was just so helpless and alone.
Despite all of that, the song 'Hurricane' by Switchfoot had been stuck in my head throughout the day. Especially the lines
"Hello, hurricane, you're not enough. Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love."
I couldn't help but think..
Was this my hurricane? Is my love being silenced?
I won't let this day stop me from loving my God.
When I got home, I checked my phone, and there was a missed call from the guy I bumped into. I didn't know if I should have called him back because I was really unsure of what I was doing or what I was going to say. All I was sure of was that I had to have courage to take responsibility of what I did.
To my surprise, he didn't say anything about the car at all. He asked me how I was and random questions like where I was studying or what my nationality was. It was indeed a blessing. I was just so speechless I didn't have the chance to develop the conversation.
After the call, I texted him:
"Thank you, Mr. Willie. God has blessed me in so many ways this week, including through you. I really appreciate the way you were not aggravated by the situation despite all the hassle on both our parts. I was so scared because I didn't really know what to do. This is my first accident so it's really new for me to be put in this situation. Nevertheless, I want to thank you for reminding me to be extra careful from now on. Thanks for being a blessing to end my week. God bless you and your work. We'll settle this soon."
His reply to my message was:
"It's ok, nothing much to worry about, I understand you and I see in your reaction that your innocent in such a situation, have a great weekend. God bless you and always stay happy. Thanks."
I was really surprised because of his relaxed attitude towards this matter. Was he letting me off the hook?
I really don't know what God is trying to tell me. If this was my test of faith, did I pass?
My First Car Accident
Today, I had my first accident.
..There. I said it.
Now if only I can tell my father.
..There. I said it.
Now if only I can tell my father.
You Give Me Rest
So today hasn't really been one of my best days..
Ever since that night I cried my heart out until about three in the morning, my eyes have been swelling and my allergies have gotten worse. You probably know how I am when I get my allergies. Soon, they turn into the flu, and eventually my dreaded condition-- asthma. Today, my eyes were so teary, all my muscles; aching, and my head felt as if an elephant were standing on it. Basically, I wasn't in the perfect condition to take my midterms midterms.
Because I have nobody to talk to and I love talking about my day, I'll just write about
A few adventures I had today because of my flu:
> In the morning, I was driving so slowly because it was hard to exert so much effort to step on the gas pedal. It was so funny because all the cars behind me were getting so frustrated. (My legs felt like jelly but I just forced it.)
> In the parking lot, I parked in such a way I never park in (head first). It was completely frustrating to drive out in the afternoon when the parking lot was already full (drivers will understand why, it's complicated to explain!) But I had no idea why I parked that way in the first place. It only occurred to me when I was about to leave school and all the other cars were parked in the opposite direction (tails first)!
So funny! :))
> Surprise quiz during my first subject. YAY. I read my notes but my mind was so slurry I couldn't remember much... (For those of you who don't know, I have very bad memory.)
After the whole day, God blessed me with a couple of hours of sleep. I drank coffee before heading home (What? they were giving free samples in school!) so I thought there was no chance of me taking a nap to relieve my throbbing headache and swelling limbs. (I'm guessing the rough exercise I did the previous day did nothing to help this.)
I was crying on my bed because I just wanted some rest and I found myself in the similar situation I was in where all of this first began. It was about three in the morning and I was crying my heart out about something so petty but triggered all of my emotions to swell in my chest. It's funny how the littlest things can trigger my pain so easily.
I cried the same way I did, frustrated groans for peace and rest.
Before I knew it, I was already asleep.
I thought the amount of stress and frustration could not be surpassed by anything I could possibly think of doing today. And I was right. There was nothing I could do to help myself, and I completely surrendered.
Sometimes I still wonder why God blesses me so much. He gives me peace when I feel so empty.. He gives me rest when the world robs me of all my patience and it strips me from the peace I need.
I learned a lesson because of all of this. I shouldn't let what other people say to me affect me drastically. The next time something happens, I will run to God. I didn't do that, and it left me helpless and frail.
I know I have the tendency to always focus on the negative things people tell me. But I realized that instead of using it to become a better person, I let it bring restlessness to my heart.. My heart that I know just has an undying yearning for acceptance.
God accepted me despite knowing the darkness of my soul. No one can begin to comprehend the evil I know runs through my human veins.. only He. And yet He is the one who ultimately saves me.
I just want to thank you, Lord. :)
Ever since that night I cried my heart out until about three in the morning, my eyes have been swelling and my allergies have gotten worse. You probably know how I am when I get my allergies. Soon, they turn into the flu, and eventually my dreaded condition-- asthma. Today, my eyes were so teary, all my muscles; aching, and my head felt as if an elephant were standing on it. Basically, I wasn't in the perfect condition to take my midterms midterms.
Because I have nobody to talk to and I love talking about my day, I'll just write about
A few adventures I had today because of my flu:
> In the morning, I was driving so slowly because it was hard to exert so much effort to step on the gas pedal. It was so funny because all the cars behind me were getting so frustrated. (My legs felt like jelly but I just forced it.)
> In the parking lot, I parked in such a way I never park in (head first). It was completely frustrating to drive out in the afternoon when the parking lot was already full (drivers will understand why, it's complicated to explain!) But I had no idea why I parked that way in the first place. It only occurred to me when I was about to leave school and all the other cars were parked in the opposite direction (tails first)!
So funny! :))
> Surprise quiz during my first subject. YAY. I read my notes but my mind was so slurry I couldn't remember much... (For those of you who don't know, I have very bad memory.)
After the whole day, God blessed me with a couple of hours of sleep. I drank coffee before heading home (What? they were giving free samples in school!) so I thought there was no chance of me taking a nap to relieve my throbbing headache and swelling limbs. (I'm guessing the rough exercise I did the previous day did nothing to help this.)
I was crying on my bed because I just wanted some rest and I found myself in the similar situation I was in where all of this first began. It was about three in the morning and I was crying my heart out about something so petty but triggered all of my emotions to swell in my chest. It's funny how the littlest things can trigger my pain so easily.
I cried the same way I did, frustrated groans for peace and rest.
Before I knew it, I was already asleep.
I thought the amount of stress and frustration could not be surpassed by anything I could possibly think of doing today. And I was right. There was nothing I could do to help myself, and I completely surrendered.
Sometimes I still wonder why God blesses me so much. He gives me peace when I feel so empty.. He gives me rest when the world robs me of all my patience and it strips me from the peace I need.
I learned a lesson because of all of this. I shouldn't let what other people say to me affect me drastically. The next time something happens, I will run to God. I didn't do that, and it left me helpless and frail.
I know I have the tendency to always focus on the negative things people tell me. But I realized that instead of using it to become a better person, I let it bring restlessness to my heart.. My heart that I know just has an undying yearning for acceptance.
God accepted me despite knowing the darkness of my soul. No one can begin to comprehend the evil I know runs through my human veins.. only He. And yet He is the one who ultimately saves me.
I just want to thank you, Lord. :)
Isaiah 40:28-31
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Misunderstood
Funny how you just want to help other people and you come out as the bad guy.
I just wanted to make sure all of my friends were happy. With my new found faith, I felt I had the light to spread to the people around me. To make sure their hearts are lighted just like mine has been.. Make sure they're adjusting okay in college and not feeling lonely or unappreciated..
But why is it so complicated? Can't we just break down these walls and make each other happy?
I just want to cry right now because all I wanted was for her to be happy and now I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who made it too obvious, I'm the one who's wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't have done what I did.
Was it wrong to make it obvious that I knew the pain she was feeling and I wanted to tell her that I wanted to help her out and that I really would?
Tell me why can't I do anything right? :'(
I just wanted to make sure all of my friends were happy. With my new found faith, I felt I had the light to spread to the people around me. To make sure their hearts are lighted just like mine has been.. Make sure they're adjusting okay in college and not feeling lonely or unappreciated..
But why is it so complicated? Can't we just break down these walls and make each other happy?
I just want to cry right now because all I wanted was for her to be happy and now I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who made it too obvious, I'm the one who's wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't have done what I did.
Was it wrong to make it obvious that I knew the pain she was feeling and I wanted to tell her that I wanted to help her out and that I really would?
Tell me why can't I do anything right? :'(
Being Alone Scares Me..
Here’s the thing about me. It’s hard for me to be alone. If you
leave me alone in my room with my computer for more than a few hours, I
have the tendency to get depressed.. My family doesn’t really know how
easily I can get broken when I have no one to talk to or spend time
with. (One of the primary reasons why I am writing this blog right now) If you don’t know me very well, you’d think I am a very cheery and bubbly person (which I am), but that is not all there is to me. It’s almost like when I am alone, everything around me gets a shade darker.
I’m a very hopeless romantic at heart, so one thing in life I’m sure I want is somebody to spend it with.
I already have tons of dreams and wishful thoughts about what I would do with my special someone when I find the right man. (Yes, I know it’s funny to say this because I’m only eighteen years old. But this is a blog and I’m basically leaving no room for your judgement! They’re just my personal thoughts) Things like my dream Italian dinner date, or learning how to roller skate! ♥ (Because all of my friends are being such kill-joys for not wanting to roller skate with me. Grr :c)
I love being around people I care about and taking care of them. I love being there for them when they are sad and seeing them smile once again. I love surprising them on their birthdays and making each one something more exciting than the last time. I love making care packages with sweets and goodies for my broken-hearted friends. I love giving them advice when they come to me for it. I love being of service to them when they need my help. I love going out of my way to help them out even if I have no idea what I am doing!
That’s why troubles like being away from my dad and family or spending the rest of my life alone drives me crazy..Who will I love? Who will I make surprises for? Who can I cheer up? Most importantly, who will I take care of?? :(
What if I don’t find the right one for me?
Not everyone finds someone. That’s why so many people are still alone right now.
What if I’m not as pretty as all the other girls for someone to like me?
Face it, we live in such a vain world it’s hard to find a man who would not give too much concern about appearances.
What if there is no one on the face of the earth who could accept me for who I am?
There’s so much about me that is possibly detestable. I am cranky before I have my cup of coffee in the morning, I don’t like being asked how many minutes longer I’ll take to finish dressing up (haha this is probably my dad’s fault! lol), I really do feel like crying when I am woken up during my afternoon naps, I always get lost because I’m not good at directions (I don’t even know how I manage to drive), I am an extremely jealous type (This is one of the important things I have to ask God to help me work on) and the list goes on….
I hope I can change, little by little. As I am growing deeper in my faith with God, I am slowly letting go of everything I hope and dream of.. all my doubts and fears, I just want to lift up to Him. He comforts me when there is no one else around. And at the end of the day, He reminds me that He will never leave me like everyone else does. ♥ I am proud to say now that even if I don’t find the right one for me, even if it’s something I really really (really) want out of life, I will be grateful for everything the Lord has given to me already. I will follow His will for my life and what he thinks is best for me. If it directs me towards being single for life, then I will still be with Him forever, and nothing else could matter more. :)
I’m a very hopeless romantic at heart, so one thing in life I’m sure I want is somebody to spend it with.
I already have tons of dreams and wishful thoughts about what I would do with my special someone when I find the right man. (Yes, I know it’s funny to say this because I’m only eighteen years old. But this is a blog and I’m basically leaving no room for your judgement! They’re just my personal thoughts) Things like my dream Italian dinner date, or learning how to roller skate! ♥ (Because all of my friends are being such kill-joys for not wanting to roller skate with me. Grr :c)
I love being around people I care about and taking care of them. I love being there for them when they are sad and seeing them smile once again. I love surprising them on their birthdays and making each one something more exciting than the last time. I love making care packages with sweets and goodies for my broken-hearted friends. I love giving them advice when they come to me for it. I love being of service to them when they need my help. I love going out of my way to help them out even if I have no idea what I am doing!
That’s why troubles like being away from my dad and family or spending the rest of my life alone drives me crazy..Who will I love? Who will I make surprises for? Who can I cheer up? Most importantly, who will I take care of?? :(
What if I don’t find the right one for me?
Not everyone finds someone. That’s why so many people are still alone right now.
What if I’m not as pretty as all the other girls for someone to like me?
Face it, we live in such a vain world it’s hard to find a man who would not give too much concern about appearances.
What if there is no one on the face of the earth who could accept me for who I am?
There’s so much about me that is possibly detestable. I am cranky before I have my cup of coffee in the morning, I don’t like being asked how many minutes longer I’ll take to finish dressing up (haha this is probably my dad’s fault! lol), I really do feel like crying when I am woken up during my afternoon naps, I always get lost because I’m not good at directions (I don’t even know how I manage to drive), I am an extremely jealous type (This is one of the important things I have to ask God to help me work on) and the list goes on….
I hope I can change, little by little. As I am growing deeper in my faith with God, I am slowly letting go of everything I hope and dream of.. all my doubts and fears, I just want to lift up to Him. He comforts me when there is no one else around. And at the end of the day, He reminds me that He will never leave me like everyone else does. ♥ I am proud to say now that even if I don’t find the right one for me, even if it’s something I really really (really) want out of life, I will be grateful for everything the Lord has given to me already. I will follow His will for my life and what he thinks is best for me. If it directs me towards being single for life, then I will still be with Him forever, and nothing else could matter more. :)
A Crammer’s Blessing
So it’s really funny how I
had alternative classes for two whole weeks to finish the first output
I’m supposed to submit for the class. You might be wondering, no.
There’s nothing funny about that. Well, here’s the funny part: I
finished everything my teacher gave me two weeks for in one day!
The requirement of the output was to visit a school and observe their learning resources (computer labs, science labs, libraries, and so on..) and finish about 20 pages in our class workbook. I had no idea which school to go to for the observation ever since my teacher mentioned the requirement so I kept putting it off, thinking I’ll worry about it later. (I should really stop doing this!) As to my surprise, ‘later’ came sooner than I expected. Before I knew it, it was already Tuesday and I had gotten nothing done ever since the two weeks my professor gave me! Still, I remained calm, thinking a school would drop out of the sky or something.
I realized that time was ticking and I better do something because it wasn’t gonna happen by itself. My only option was to go back to the high school I graduated from to observe. If you knew me, you’d know I’m not very good with asking for favors. I don’t like the idea of begging a teacher to let me observe when I knew it was my mistake of not asking for permission earlier. Observations are a hassle to all schools because it can really disrupt their lesson and the teachers get too conscious of how they act in class. However, my observation was just for bulletin board displays around campus and the school’s learning resources, so I wouldn’t be disrupting any class. (phew!)
Before I got out of my car, I whispered a prayer to ask for God’s help. I prayed that he bring success to my observation without me needing to lie to allow our principal to let me take pictures and get her signature. It just came into my heart before I had even thought of it. Before I prayed, I thought I would just twist my words a little so that she would no doubt allow me to do what I needed to do.
It was such a blessing that God gave me the strength to ask him not to allow my lips to tell a lie even if it meant risking the entirety of my requirement.
As I walked inside, I was so nervous! Everything looked the same in my old school but it didn’t feel like home anymore. :( I hadn’t met the people I thought I would be meeting so I felt like a stranger inside that institution. It made me realize that no matter how much I thought the place itself is what made my school home for me, it didn’t. It was the people there who brought the feeling of love, acceptance and warmth in the hearts of the students, which was actually the real home I was looking for.
(Getting back to my dilemma..) I was walking towards the principal’s office and there I saw two of my old friends from the lower batches! They were graduating this year and I was so happy to hear from them again. We weren’t that close before (they were closer to my best friend, she’s the reason why we’re friends, actually) but they helped me with everything! They were with me to ask for permission from the principal and she signed my workbook right away! (The signature is used to validate that you actually observed in a school and didn’t make everything up) They were with me throughout my whole observation, and I felt a lot less like a stranger now.
They were telling me about which section they were in, which teachers they had now, and I could totally relate to everything because those were the same teachers and sections I was in when I was in their level.
It feels so weird to talk to people and have them claim my old section during my 4th year as their own. (My possessive side again, I guess!) It just makes me feel like everything we have in this life is borrowed. Nothing is ours. I was feeling a bit sad about that, but while I was reflecting, I realized that it’s actually a beautiful thing.
I was thinking that when something is so beautiful, may it be a place, a section, a teacher, or just a feeling, why would you want nobody else to witness its beauty? I guess I was just being selfish when I felt like those memories were mine to keep. And it’s a natural thing to be selfish. But I thank God that he allows me to go beyond what is natural and reach for a state of mind that is not of this world— a state of mind that grows closer to his each day.
Another thing I realized throughout this cramming episode of mine was that I didn’t deserve any of the success I had received. I planned to lie (or even manipulate) to get my way, I didn’t do my work right away like God instructs us to (which is what made for all of this stress to happen in the first place), and I was seriously thinking of asking someone to forge the signature in case I wasn’t able to observe in a school. I really (really) really didn’t deserve any of the success I had received, yet He gave it to me anyway. Amazing, isn’t it?
This was grace. As I move forward in my walk with Christ, I realized that that stressful Tuesday was a great blessing in disguise.
God showed me how much a whispered prayer can change everything. :)
The requirement of the output was to visit a school and observe their learning resources (computer labs, science labs, libraries, and so on..) and finish about 20 pages in our class workbook. I had no idea which school to go to for the observation ever since my teacher mentioned the requirement so I kept putting it off, thinking I’ll worry about it later. (I should really stop doing this!) As to my surprise, ‘later’ came sooner than I expected. Before I knew it, it was already Tuesday and I had gotten nothing done ever since the two weeks my professor gave me! Still, I remained calm, thinking a school would drop out of the sky or something.
I realized that time was ticking and I better do something because it wasn’t gonna happen by itself. My only option was to go back to the high school I graduated from to observe. If you knew me, you’d know I’m not very good with asking for favors. I don’t like the idea of begging a teacher to let me observe when I knew it was my mistake of not asking for permission earlier. Observations are a hassle to all schools because it can really disrupt their lesson and the teachers get too conscious of how they act in class. However, my observation was just for bulletin board displays around campus and the school’s learning resources, so I wouldn’t be disrupting any class. (phew!)
Before I got out of my car, I whispered a prayer to ask for God’s help. I prayed that he bring success to my observation without me needing to lie to allow our principal to let me take pictures and get her signature. It just came into my heart before I had even thought of it. Before I prayed, I thought I would just twist my words a little so that she would no doubt allow me to do what I needed to do.
It was such a blessing that God gave me the strength to ask him not to allow my lips to tell a lie even if it meant risking the entirety of my requirement.
As I walked inside, I was so nervous! Everything looked the same in my old school but it didn’t feel like home anymore. :( I hadn’t met the people I thought I would be meeting so I felt like a stranger inside that institution. It made me realize that no matter how much I thought the place itself is what made my school home for me, it didn’t. It was the people there who brought the feeling of love, acceptance and warmth in the hearts of the students, which was actually the real home I was looking for.
(Getting back to my dilemma..) I was walking towards the principal’s office and there I saw two of my old friends from the lower batches! They were graduating this year and I was so happy to hear from them again. We weren’t that close before (they were closer to my best friend, she’s the reason why we’re friends, actually) but they helped me with everything! They were with me to ask for permission from the principal and she signed my workbook right away! (The signature is used to validate that you actually observed in a school and didn’t make everything up) They were with me throughout my whole observation, and I felt a lot less like a stranger now.
They were telling me about which section they were in, which teachers they had now, and I could totally relate to everything because those were the same teachers and sections I was in when I was in their level.
It feels so weird to talk to people and have them claim my old section during my 4th year as their own. (My possessive side again, I guess!) It just makes me feel like everything we have in this life is borrowed. Nothing is ours. I was feeling a bit sad about that, but while I was reflecting, I realized that it’s actually a beautiful thing.
I was thinking that when something is so beautiful, may it be a place, a section, a teacher, or just a feeling, why would you want nobody else to witness its beauty? I guess I was just being selfish when I felt like those memories were mine to keep. And it’s a natural thing to be selfish. But I thank God that he allows me to go beyond what is natural and reach for a state of mind that is not of this world— a state of mind that grows closer to his each day.
Another thing I realized throughout this cramming episode of mine was that I didn’t deserve any of the success I had received. I planned to lie (or even manipulate) to get my way, I didn’t do my work right away like God instructs us to (which is what made for all of this stress to happen in the first place), and I was seriously thinking of asking someone to forge the signature in case I wasn’t able to observe in a school. I really (really) really didn’t deserve any of the success I had received, yet He gave it to me anyway. Amazing, isn’t it?
This was grace. As I move forward in my walk with Christ, I realized that that stressful Tuesday was a great blessing in disguise.
God showed me how much a whispered prayer can change everything. :)
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
...
Hands are shaking
mind is breaking
tears are falling
heart is aching.
It’s been so long since I last cried.
Unsaid
I love how much the kind of flower a person gives you can mean so much. :)
Too bad not many people look into what flowers represent anymore.. they just go with what’s pretty.
There’s so much more to a flower that it’s captivating beauty. Just like how there’s so much more to a person than what meets the eye. I always loved flowers for that reason.
They leave an element of mystery in other people’s hearts, especially when not accompanied by words. A flower can speak louder than words, most times. And it is those words that are unspoken which are the most beautiful. ♥
Too bad not many people look into what flowers represent anymore.. they just go with what’s pretty.
There’s so much more to a flower that it’s captivating beauty. Just like how there’s so much more to a person than what meets the eye. I always loved flowers for that reason.
They leave an element of mystery in other people’s hearts, especially when not accompanied by words. A flower can speak louder than words, most times. And it is those words that are unspoken which are the most beautiful. ♥
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